well, so far so good. it is a challenge, that's for sure. but i am surrounded with supportive people and chad is doing well over on his end too. each day passes full of blessings big and small and brings us closer to reuniting.
the biggest challenge for me is the nights. for a long time i have had issues with falling asleep at night and fear. fear of what? when i was young i was afraid of fire, the boogy man, etc... and i would wake up in the night and stand by my mom and dad's bed, staring at my mom until she "felt" my presence as mom's do and let me climb in bed with her. in high school and college i hated being the last one to go to bed. when i went out with my friends i was relieved when i came home and found someone waiting up for me. quite often if i was last to go to bed i would lay awake in fear that someone was going to break in to the house. fast forward to married life. the first time chad left for a few nights our dog Norman came to be ours. chad was in California at a conference and i couldn't sleep at night. i was so scared someone was breaking into our house. by the last day chad was gone i went temporarily insane and went and bought a puppy. (because everyone knows cute little beagle puppies are known for their fierceness and protective skills, right?) well, each time chad is gone i face this challenge and manage to get through it. some nights are better than others. i've tried lots of things, sleep-aids, "sleepy tea," meditation, etc... however, this summer chad was gone on his second mission trip for the summer and i broke down while he was gone. i had two horrible nights in a row. feelings of terror in the night are not fun. i felt so alone and scared. i had a night terror where i literally felt "something" on top of me breathing heavily in my ear. i prayed it away, but that feeling of sheer terror stayed. the next day i was feeling so full of anxiety i could barely function. i asked my mother-in-law if i could come stay at her house. i packed us all up and headed to her house for a few days, running back and forth to my own house to let the dog out and such. i thought once chad was back i would feel that big sigh of relief as i always did when he returned. this time however was different and that feeling of anxiety didn't go away. it came and went. some days i feel completely normal. some days i just went through the motions of taking care of my family, doing just the bare minimum of what has to be done. as time passes the bad days are occurring less frequently i think. i dreaded this trip chad is currently on for months. my mother-in-law promised me she would stay with me if i wanted. (yes, please) my friends also assured me they would stay with me if she couldn't. but i still dreaded this trip. anyhoo, here i am smack dab in the middle of it. i have not spent one night alone yet. i have slept each night without fear thanks to my friends and my grandmother-in-law (who is staying here since she lives right in town vs. my mother-in-law who would have to drive back and forth). i am so so SO grateful to them for their help. but there is a voice inside me that keeps telling me i am a failure. i am weak. if i just had better faith i wouldn't have to be afraid and i could stay by myself. i don't like that voice.
i'm not sure of my point in writing all this. confession? venting? i wish i knew how to get past my fear. maybe that is my reason for writing this. i am looking for answers. for help. for assurance that i'm okay.
for now i will take it one day at a time. grateful that i don't have to be alone at night. blessed by friends and family. trying to be okay with needing help. i try my hardest to live by these verses that I have memorized over the past 6 months:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all! The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
anyhoo. enough about my "issues" (i also have an irrational fear of driving in snow. there. all my confessions are out in the open)
so yesterday (or day before?) i get miss j out of her crib in the morning and she says to me "daddy is missing!" i respond, "yes, he's still at school" she again says "daddy is missing! we need to go catch him!"
funny girl.
 |
| a typical moment: mouth open talking, crazy hair, insisting on wearing her hood "hat" all day long, hoarding toys up on the table where her baby sister can't reach them, blankie and "baby" -the garage sale free-box bear that she has attached to, nearby. thanks girly for both driving me insane and keeping me sane each day. |
